Laine Melika Anne
3 May-24 October 2006.


What was the hurry our sweet?
Right from the start it was like a race...

Laine came into our lives a "lil scrap of humanity", 1lb14oz and 12 inchs short, 15 weeks too soon but every bit perfect.
 Laine was whisked off to the Neonatal unit at Middlemore Hospital and it would be a few hours until we got to see her.(unlike with her sister Eden, Daddy stayed with Mummy in theatre and recovery because of "issues".)
Despite being early, Laine was doing wonderful.
So wonderful in fact that she was not needing oxygen. No,Laine was a fighter, strong and very determined!!!

Laine was on CPAP "in air",  (CPAP=Continuous positive airway pressure, delivered to a baby who is breathing spontaneously, a flow of air/oxygen under slightly raised pressure. Used to assist a baby's breathing and to reduce the frequency of apnoeic episodes)  
But it would not take her long until she no longer needed that all the time. Laine hated the Hudsons CPAP! She would bat her arms around trying to dislodge the prongs. Fine she didn't like the Midline system either but she was much more settled on that.
Laine worried a few Doctors. Not for bad things, more for how well she was doing.

Laine had a lil boyfriend who was in the bed space over, Patrick.
The pair would fight for nurses attention, each setting off their alarms as the nurse worked with the other. These two had a system planned that went on well after they left the unit. KidzFirst Medical then took over these two as the spent week about in their wards, not meeting up again, but missing each other by days.

Since Laines passing I have learnt that while Mummy and Daddy were not at the hospital our lil girl would go on fashion parades around the unit. It never clicked to me how so many people knew who she was yet we had no idea who they were, but that was how. 
I liked to dress Laine in Pumpkin Patch teddy bears clothes, they made her look more real and the novel factor of them being teddy clothes egged it on too. Most days once on level 2 nurses would stop by to see what new clothes lil Laine had on and/or for a huggle.
Huggles, if there is one thing Laine loved most it was huggles. Not just any huggle, Kanga huggles, skin to skin with Mummy, Daddy and once home, Kita.
Laine would spend almost all day on my chest and just lay there, asleep or awake, relaxed, content, warm, mine...
I was warned she would want to continue these once home..they were right about that and that was fine by me!!

13 weeks after she made her grand arrival we finally took our lil girl home. 
It was one of the most scary and exciting days of our lives.
Our baby was finally OUR baby.

It took a lot of determination but about two weeks after getting home we managed to get Laine to breastfeed.(this may seem weird to mention, but to us it was a huge milestone, one we are very proud of.)

Nikita adored Laine and from a few days after Laine was born started telling everyone "I have a lil sister and we are allowed to keep this one".... the two would share cuddles every morning on Mummy and Daddy's bed as I got things ready for the day. This was their time and they both loved it. Recently Laine would smile back adoringly at her big sister and Kita would beam for ages after each smile.Kita could almost always get her "Chubba Bubba Lubba" to burp too which was one thing we always had issues with.
Chubba Bubba Lubba, She only made it to 4kgs the morning she passed but that was almost 5x her birth weight so was heaps to us.

Laine was a completely different baby from the day she came home. "High Maintenance". Waking at night more than sleeping, some times to feed, sometimes just because she could. Daddy would take the 2am or the 4 am feed with expressed milk. It was their time and they loved it. Laine loved it so much she would take forever to go back to sleep, just to be with her Daddy!
Laine grew and decided that sleep was for other people and we weren't them. She may have been little but she was alert, always the watchful eyes following whereever you would go, or staring out at who knows what....
Or screaming, and boy this girl could scream!!

Laine was doing great.
The first big concern was on the 13th of September, you vomitted everywhere and turned a nasty shade of purple then a waxy looking yellow. We took you to ED and spent the night in short stay on central monitoring, you are so tired and sleep for 9 hours, waking you just was not happening, you just wanted sleep.

5 days later, while sleeping, your apneoa monitor alarmed, you were pale, that same yellow colour (not grey like or purple like I keep getting asked) I grabbed you up and flicked at your foot like they do in the Neonatal Unit. Nothing, You were limp two rescue breaths would have you gasp a very pained sounding gasp with large pauses between them. The ambulance arrived and put you on oxygen your eyes were rolled back and you started to make whimpering cry sounds with each breath and you were twitching. You were not well, mottled and very cold. Bloods and Xrays were done and we were sent to the KidzFirst medical ward, you were not on oxygen long and were sent home within the week.
But you were changed, you never returned to yourself.
You did not feed properly and we took you to our family GP who said that we should take you to the hosp if we had more concerns.

On Monday the 2nd of Oct I called the Homecare Nurses cause I just was still not happy but thought it was going over board just to take you to hosp. Your oxygen saturations were 94%. Wednesday your Homecare Nurse came to recheck. Your levels were a lot lower than we had thought they would be, ranging between 79-88%, Mel called the Ambulance and set you up on oxygen and I called Daddy and sorted us bags for yet another stay.
Each time they turned the O2 down you would be ok for a lil while then your levels would drop off. No tests were done to see why this was happening. It was put down to you having been sick still from last time. On Saturday they turned the O2 off and were going to discharge you but one more check would have you back on O2 and going nowhere for another day.
 During this stay you learnt to smile! What a wonderful moment that was, even if you shared that first real smile with a nurse... We got so many more smiles that followed and I will never forget how it made your face light up and your eyes beam.
Sunday you came home.
You were better, but still not really you.

Two weeks later we celebrated Daddy's Birthday with a day at the beach (not going in the water, just having lunch on the sand.)
You slept almost all day and then went onto sleep most that night, well 7 hours straight and that was something you had only done once before(when in hosp the first time)

We went to the Targa Rally on the Sunday with Uncle Jas and Aunty Sheryl and you slept almost the whole time we were out and then again that night! Mummy and Daddy were so proud of you and were so glad for a lil sleep.

Monday we spent the day out with Aunty Di, Charlie and Kees. You were so settled, having cuddles with Grandpa who was up from Invercargill and with Aunty Di and for the first time you did not cry when Aunty Di held you!
We stayed at Aunties house for dinner and Daddy and Kita put up Kees Thomas track and you watched on with those watchful eyes.
Aunty Di would always joke that she never saw you sleep in your bassinett because almost every time we saw her you were in my arms, be it awake or asleep. Me, I never really noticed this till she pointed it out. But that said I didn't care, you were ours and I liked it this way.

You slept all night again (In your bed I promise Di). It was the worse nights sleep for us. You were so unsettled and were grunting and wriggling around, making crying noises and just making way too much noise for us to sleep. So we watched you instead.

Tuesday morning we had snuggles in bed, You, Kita and I (teachers only day at Kitas school so we didn't need to go anywhere). You had your first Plunket visit and finally made it to a huge 4kgs!!!! 9 days short of 6 months old. Daddy could not believe it when he rang.
 We did not do much. You slept for a while and later we went into town to get some DVDs out for Nikita, bought more nappies and some groceries then home again. Kita and you had a bath and then we sat and watched Kita playing on her tramp for a while.
Nikita wanted to watch the DVDs and so in she came and on they went. You and I sat on the couch having lil talks and watching the dvds with Kita, you were so full of smiles and very settled.
Daddy called to tell us that he would be late home, he was going to pick up some car parts needed at work. 
We watched the first DVD and the on went the second. I do not know what or why it was that made me notice or if it was just how you look down, but you were not breathing. I stood and told Kita to stay where she was and keep watching tv as we headed down the hall to where the phone was. I was flicking your foot but nothing. You were floppy and not responding. I lay you on the floor and started rescue breathing, nothing... CPR (I have learnt this so many times before yet nothing prepares you for doing it to a real person, and not to your own child.) I do not know how long I tried before calling for help but was probably only about 8 cycles of breathes and compressions. Now I do not know why I did not get Nikita to call them?
It felt like forever. Tears and shaking hands did not help one bit, you were not responding. Actually I could see you going mottled and your eyes were closing and rolled back. I never thought however for one moment that the ambulance people could not get you back. They tried for 9 minutes to get you back (so the phone bill shows with my two calls to Daddy) but your heart had beat it's last beat. My precious who had fought so hard to be here was gone to be with her sister. 
WHY??

HOW??
This was a fear we had left behind when you were tiny. We would have understood easier if it was to have happened when you were tiny, Not now.
You were doing so well, you were growing, you were ours.
How could you be gone?

I held you tight as people overtook our house.
I wanted you to stay warm forever cause I wanted it all to be a nightmare. Nightmare that is the truth. One I will live with every day.
Koro (Mummy's Dad) arrived, Daddy, Aunty Di and Uncle DJ, Police and who knows who else.
Eventually we would take you to Auckland Coroners. They took you briefly and then you were passed back to me. I stayed awake with you all night. "Aunty Chonny" arrived as well and we spent the night holding you and laying with you, taking photos and crying.

 Not my baby girl...

 Wednesday morning after a lot of asking questions(on our behalf) you went for an autopsy. A decision I will regret until the day we are together. When they returned you to me, you were nothing like you. I knew it was you. But what they had done forever changed my beautiful girl and I am haunted by it day and night.
For what they did to you Laine I am sorry. We just wanted some answers and sadly we got the one we did not want to hear...SIDS.
With further tests being done to rule out Long Q-T Syndrome as there was evidence of abnormal heart rythmns.
Colin Marshall (funeral director) took you to see if they could make better what had been done. Some of it, yes they were able, but you still did not look like you. Daddy  and I struggle to accept that it was you at all. More so I think because we do not want it to be true.
We still do not believe it nor want too.
You came home to us where family and friends came from all across NZ to say farewell (Not goodbye, because goodbye is for forever and we will see you one day).

Friday the 27th of October we held a service at Manukau Memorial Gardens chapel, before laying you to rest upon your lil big sister Eden. (please visit Eden's site www.edensanangel.memory-of.com).

So many people have helped us through this journey, from the good to the bad.

From the start
 The staff in the Neonatal unit at MMH,
((That includes the playroom people.)) 
Thank you all. Without you we would never have had the months that we did to spend with our lil girl. To love her, to hold her, to kiss her, to smell those lil smelly feet and to be happy like we were. Thank you for putting up with our family and my constant chatter and being patient with our Kita. 
You know who you are (Yes you!!). I want to thank you for keeping me sane during our stay. Without you I would have lost it way before now. You made the days pass by faster and easier.
Thank you Kat and Beth. Thank You for accepting to carry Laine into the service. You two touched our lives so very deeply and we want to Thank You for sharing those last few days with us. 
As I have said so many times, to you it is just another day at work but to us, it is way more than that.
 I would love to thank you all separatly but I am not sure this site will allow that sort of space.

Mel Laine's Homecare Nurse.
Thank you for taking care of our lil Laine.
For being there and making us feel good about the job we did with Laine.
For listening to my chatter (and we all know I am good at that), For your warm bubbly personnality and beautiful Smiles that could make anyones day.
(See Laine really just didn't want you passing her care over to Plunket...)

Kidzfirst Medical staff
Same here, you know who you are and I am sure most the other staff do too.
Thank you for taking care of us and making the days and some nights pass, Your beaming smile and adorable personnality made our stays that bit more bearable. 
And to everyone else, Again, Thank you.

  Thank you to our family
I know we have not been as close as we could have been but you have helped us in ways that we can not explain and that emotions now just can not let us express.

Our Friends
Without you guys we would not have made it through the last 14 months, nor the months that follow. There is no way to repay the love, the time, the shoulders that we cry on. Just know we love you guys too and would be there in a heartbeat.

Our Treasures Friends and Family
Who would have thought that by joining a website you would find so many caring loving people. Some who put their lives on hold to come and be with our family, and some who over the past 14 odd months have become "family". I want to Thank You all for everything. Those I know how to, I will stay in touch with. Thank You for sharing our journey and sharing yours with us.

Colin and Jim
Thank both of you for what you have done for our family both with Eden and now with Laine. I don't mean to be rude, but I will be happy if I never have to see you again. That is, until it is my turn.

Nikita
Thank you for being such a wondeful big sister. I wish more than anything in this world that this never had to have happened and that you could have had your wish of keeping your Chubba bubba lubba. Know that you will always be a big sister and you will always be our girl. We love you for you just the way that you are.
xxxoooxxx

 Ian, My Husband, My friend...
Daddy to Kita, Eden and Laine
Just as you know, there are no words that will ever take the pain away. 
I am proud to have you as my husband, and as the father to our girls, We really, really do make cute girls!
Thank you, for in your pain, being able to be there for Kita and myself when we are not able to be there for ourselves. I do not know how you do it, but that is you.
I love you for you and always will.
xxxoooxxx







Sweet Dreams Laine.
 Be free with your big sister Eden, 
cousin Kaytlen (www.kaytlennisbett.memory-of.com) 
and 
Logan (www.logan-kennedy.memory-of.com)
We Love you all.
We Loved you yesterday, we Loved you Today and we will Love you tomorrow.
xxxoooxxx