I know you are watching down on everyone and listening to our thoughts - you see every tear that is cried for you and every heart that breaks for you. You see the pain that surrounds us and are grateful for all the things that keep us smiling. We think of you both so much and love to remember all the little things we know about you - we only wish we knew all the little things we have yet to learn about you. Thats when we know how cruel it is that you both arent with Mummy, Daddy and your wonderful big sister Kita. There are so many things I want to say but sometimes I cant find the right words.
Laine, I promise that when we next get to huggle I wont tickle your feet - it took Mummy and I many weeks, tears, conversations and laughter to work out that why you always cried with Aunty! I just love your little feet and the way your big toe was always away from your other toes. My tickling your feet reminded you of your days in NICU and as much as you love us (NICU) you didnt want anymore feet flicking!
This Easter brings back loads of memories of seeing you for the first time in Mummys tummy and calling you Puppy. Mummy and I went out shopping and bought lots (and lots) of Easter eggs and yours and my favourite were always the creme eggs. This Easter I promise to eat lots of creme eggs for us :-) Its incredibly hard to think last Easter I left a creme egg for Eden where she lay and this year I will be leaving 2.....
I miss our shopping trips Puppy and your wee little cry, I miss everything about you, my tears - I wont dry.
Tomorrow you are 11 months old - I will imagine you crawling to me and sitting there sharing smiles, tickles and of course, our creme eggs.
Hey Whawha / Mummy
What a cruel and unjust world we live in. Maybe you knew more than we give credit, maybe in your short time here you saw what was for offer in this life and decided that Heaven really was a better place? I couldn't ever argue that you were wrong. They are right Laine, Those who say I am not strong, They are right Laine, Those who say that I am only here still because of Nikita. I am not strong, nor should I have to be. I think of the times we had together, I think of those first months with you in hospital and how much pain you suffered, the times that you returned to Hospital and again the pain. You should never have suffered and I am sorry that you did. I would have taken that pain away in an instant if I could. I Realised last night after a whole lot of time to think to myself, It is a cruel world and who am I to bring life into it? Who am I to make another child suffer the hurts of life? Laine, I Love you. You have taught be a lot about myself and I am greatful. I am sorry and I will walk this world forever knowing the pain and suffering I have bought upon others through giving life.
Hello sweetpea / Aunty Mara
Hello our sweet little gurly Man 3 months it's sooo hard to beleive it has been that long it still feels like yesterday! we think of you and Eden always and i talk about you all the time! I wish i had gotten to know you better but i always hold this close to me when me and mummy would talk on the phone which was quite often mummy would always put the phone up to you so i could listen to you even if you were having a good cry. i will forever always remember that! i have your picture along with Edens and Logans standing proudly in my lounge. I hope your mummy and daddy and beautiful big sis know just how much they mean to us and how much we love them for you all mean the world to me. I look at your mum and think my how strong she is! but then i see past it and know how much she is hurting! she is one truely remarkable woman! any way boo WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABE. Kisses and cuddles to you and Eden And can you teo gurlys do me a favour and give my boy a big kiss and cuddle from me.
hey ya sweet puppy / Esme Christensen
hey puppy feels like only yesterday i got a txt to say you had gone to heaven to visit you big sister. i still feel for you mummy and her loss. I know its stupid but i feel guilty leaving this message here now its beent 3 months but iv only just plucked up the guts to, I feel guilty when i talk to your mum now cause before we had babys only 5 days apart but you left you mummy and i still have my bubba, silly huh?? i still feel sad when i think of you, i can only imagin how your mummy, daddy and sister (kita) must be feeling. you will forever be in my heart and mind. you were a really beautiful wee girl and i love you heaps. i still remember meeting you at aunty Kylies your were soo little and that is a memory i will keep with me forever. i wish i could have been there to say a final goodbye but i couldnt make it. just remember to keep watching over your mummy and the rest of your family they know you r up there with your sister smiling down on them. Close
3 Months.... / Mummy
Today is the 24th of January 2007, It has been 3 whole months since you joined your lil big sister Eden. 3 Months ago our world was turned upside down as you were torn from us in this cruel, cruel world. We visit both Eden's and your grave every day, I remember the times we would take you and sit there visiting Eden, how cruel is that? That the place we in a way celebrated having you and knowing how lucky we were to have you is now the place you lay with your sister. (We celebrated knowing that you were a lucky lil miss that you had escaped with life when so many others do not.... if only we had a crystal ball)
Laine, I have so many things to say, So many things I want you to know............
You are my lil precious, I adore you and miss you so, so much. I would give anything to hold you in my arms and see those bright big eyes...Oh, those eyes, No one has ever seen such eyes till they have seen yours.
Precious, I will keep my words inside...they are safer there, Knoa that I Love you forever and always.
I thought that I would share a lil from your journal, anyone who knows about this journal knows it is a HUGE effort for me to share anything from it, Even Daddy has not been able to read it. When your Baby is in the unit you are given a journal where you can keep a record of your journey, write letters to your baby, or whatever it is you feel you would like to write or do with it. Laines journal was kept close to me at all times and the most of it has never been read by anyone besides myself who of course wrote it. Laine, We had planned to give you these two books when you were older so you coud read about you and about how we felt when you were born and growing, I kept this journal your whole life, writing most days. I Love you my girl so much.
I have edited out bits cause they are too personnal to share with the world...
Wednesday 3rd May 2006
"Late last night you decided that Mummy's tummy house was not the place for you, you wanted out and you wanted out NOW! Contractions started about 11.30pm and even with great effort on the dr's behalf to stop labour progressing you were showing us the stubborn side of you. You were coming out. Being breech and so lil we decided with a lil advice from the specialist that a c section was the best idea, to give you a better chance. 4.15am, you were delivered. All 850grams of you. It did not take to long before we tried to make a lil cry...tears. We did not get to see you for a lil while after You look crusified when we come to see you, swamped under your humidification tent with lines and monitors attached, But you are doing so well. We Love you so much already."
Poem for Laine's mummy / Jacinda Nathan (Friend of a friend )Read >>
Poem for Laine's mummy / Jacinda Nathan (Friend of a friend )
What Makes A Mother I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby this we know is true But, God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies when they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime and others for the day And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear I wish I could show you what your child is doing today If you could see your child smile with other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear My mummy loved me so much I got to come straight here I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly my Mummy set me free. I miss my Mummy oh so much but I visit her each day When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear Mummy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me until your lessons are through And on the day you come home they'll be at the gates for you So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of right from the very start Though some on earth may not realize Until their time is done remember all the love you have And know that you are a Special Mum Close
Your time on earth seemed all too brief, we wanted you in our lives forever. And although I really miss you, I have been seeking peace in remembering you. Laine, there are just no words that can express the feeling of loss, the feeling of helplessness as I see the pain in your families eyes and hear the sadness from their hearts. My heart just aches for you and them - and I am left with many regrets and questions also. I don't understand the reason why you were taken from us all, all far too soon but I do know that we will all be together again some day. I think of you every single day bubba - you have made such an impression in my life and you will always have your own special place in my heart. I will never forget you Laine, I love you heaps and heaps.
Rest in peace sweet Laine:) / Jacinda Nathan (Friend of a friend )Read >>
Rest in peace sweet Laine:) / Jacinda Nathan (Friend of a friend )
I know i have never met you and that I dont know your family but i do know Kylie, Mat and Trinity and I know how much you have touched their lives.. I am a mum myself and I can only imagine the pain your mummy daddy and sister are feeling losing a beautiful daughter and sister like you:( Play and be happy sweet Laine and watch over your family as they would want you too and look forward to the day when you can all be together again:)
Love and hugs from Jacinda Nathan and family Auckland xox Close
It has been almost 3 months since you passed away, actually it has been 10 weeks and 3 days, 72 days or approx 1732 hours. Not a moment goes by that I do not think of both your sister Eden and You.
Dear Laine this is not the way it was meant to be!
Dear Laine, There are so many things that I had planned for our Family...What now?
Dear Laine, So many Questions....So little Answers.
Dear Laine, Can you hear me? Do you see me? Please let me know you are ok.
Dear Laine, You would be getting a big girl now, I wonder what you would be up to now?
Dear Laine, I am sorry that you cried so much it is just we did not know what was wrong and how to make it all better for you...at that time.
Dear Laine, I miss waking up with you beside my bed.
Dear Laine, I wish that I could hold you close to my chest in my arms.
Dear Laine, I will one day.....
Dear Laine, I Love you more than I know how to say.
Dear Laine, Please can Eden and you help Nikita and make sure she is ok too? Please help her to remember the good times.
Dear Laine, You will ALWAYS be my lil whawha and I will ALWAYS Love you.
Dear Laine, Sweet Dreams my Darling girl.
Dear Laine, Sending you huggles and snuggles to last till I am there.
I know this is a rough time for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me.
As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don’t let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible.
Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life. It’s O.K. with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking about me. I know that you’ll never forget. Loosening me and grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I’m not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it’s a combination.
Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud, and if they don’t make a hasty retreat, they’re probably excellent candidates for friendship.
If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything that you could have done for me and didn’t, I forgive you, as God does. Resentment does not abide here, only love.
You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I’m still yours and you are still my parents. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as your child honors me.
Read, even though your tears anoint the page. There is an immense library here and I have a card. In Henri Nowens’ “Out of Solitude”, he writes, “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Mummy and Daddy, I don’t know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is His voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am.
I want you both to know that I am O.K. I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels. Stay open but don’t expect the overly dramatic. You will get whet you need and it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.
Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their work, are an inspiration and a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically. And one more wisdom before I close; There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter. That, too, will come in due time.
Today, I light a candle for you. Joined with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness.
Affectionately, Laine and Eden PS: I’ll. see you later!
Don’t tell me you know how I feel, You haven’t walked in my shoes. Don’t tell me I have other children to love, That won’t bring back the daughter that I lost. Don’t tell me to get out of the house, Maybe I just want to stay here and mourn for my lost daughter. Don’t tell me it will get better, From my point of view it will never be better. Don’t tell me it could be worse, How much worse than this could it be. Don’t tell me to trust in God, I do trust in Him and love Him, That won’t bring my daughter back Don’t tell me to eat and take care of myself, Maybe the food won’t stay down. Maybe I don’t care about myself right now. Don’t tell me to try to get some sleep, Don’t you think I would love to sleep? Don’t tell me all this, You haven’t walked in my shoes. Do tell me you care. Do tell me you love me. Do tell me you will be there if I need you. If I need to just talk to call you. Or better yet, you call me. Just listen, that’s all, just listen. Do let me cry. Do let me mourn. Do let me experience this terrible loss that I feel. Do pray for me. That is all I ask.
Missing you so much today, i miss you everyday but today i cant take my mind off you and your family for a second??
I hope you liked your Christmas present!! there were rather alot of tears when i gave it to your Mummy and Daddy. Does Eden like hers too?, Lana wears her braclet everyday, she is sooo proud of it. She gets me to write your name down all the time and talks about you ALL the time!! You will always be "baby Laine" to her, i know she doesnt really get it, but she is always telling me how you are in heaven. I hope you are having a wonderful time there!!
Give Eden a HUGE snuggle from me and one for yourself to!! and help her to look after your beautiful family!!
Heartfelt Sympathies. / Rachel Blennerhassett (Tga)
As one door closes, another opens. As Laine is taken from this earth, she is able to join Eden in heaven. While you girls get closely aquainted, please remember to fly down over your family and shower your love over them too. They need your love and guidance now, more than ever.
My condolences and sympathy to Lisa, Ian, Nikita, Jacinta, and the extended family, Aunty's, Uncles, Grandparents, cousins, friends, etc.....
I didn't have the honour of meeting the wee girls, but my heart aches anyway. Both were taken far too soon, but God must have very special plans for them both, to need them up there. May your memories help to ease your grief, and love and support help you to rebuild your lives.
Merry Christmas / Mummy Daddy &. Kita
Dear Laine, It is Christmas here today We miss you in every single way. The way your smile would Melt our hearts Your cry would pierce our ears Remembering you is so easy But is done so with so much tears.
In a Box still hidden no Wrapping paper to tear Still sits all your pressies that we have here. Today was meant to be wonderful A Joy like no other But now today is a day like any other, like yesterday, and tomorrow...
We Love you so much and miss you like mad. Merry Christmas Bubba girl... Love Mummy, Daddy and Kita Berry.
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